All theory, dear friend, is gray, but the golden tree of life springs
by 221Beatsofmyheart
Summary: When a mysterious green fetish starts appearing in Sirius's part of the room it is up to Remus to get to the bottom of it and guess. Mild smut at the end. I wrote this for the summerwolfstarwank 2013 for the prompt 'Green.'


It was an odd day the day that Sirius Black's bed in the Gryffindor common room looked like a plantation had hit it. Remus was the one to walk in on it. It had perplexed him. James and Peter couldn't even suss it out. Sirius was mysteriously gone all day. James and Peter didn't stick around but Remus wanted to stay. Remus sat on his bed and gaped at how vines had been wrapped around the bed posts and grass had been tossed onto the top. Remus found himself particularly able to read Sirius's moods and actions but he was coming up blank. He didn't know if that was because the green was so distracting or maybe he was just losing his touch and Sirius was trying to throw him off somehow.

Sirius's blankets were green and Remus was immensely intrigued to how Sirius had managed to own and store green blankets unbeknown to anyone else's knowledge. The herbology books scattered at the foot of the bed were the oddest finding. Hating Herbology and wishing it would take its 'slithery testicle arms' elsewhere as Sirius often professed in the greenhouses it was a surprise to see that he might be trying again. But Remus had a sickening feeling that it might be an idiotic ritual or knowing Sirius a parody of one washed in deep hatred for all things soil-based that could scream louder than he could. Remus saw one of his green jumpers slackly shoved under the covers. That was the only thing that wasn't new; Sirius keeping hold of that. Remus didn't know why. Sirius didn't wear it but Sirius liked to keep holds on other people and besides Remus had been wearing it when they found themselves in a compromising position one time.

Remus was suddenly clouded with a embarrassing thought: what if this was a shrine? to the…jumper? He was being ridiculous. He was clearly losing air and he opened the window as a remedy. Now that Remus was alone he could inspect the bed more closely. He went to his knees and searched below it. There were leaves and a couple of peas rolling around. Peas, he thought. Peas. Did Sirius like peas? Remus had never seen him eat any peas. Remus, he himself, wondered if he liked peas. He'd never thought about it or had the initiative to explore that factor and now it was rather bugging where if he or Sirius even liked peas. It would be a conversation starter Sirius would hate but it felt like it would be a running joke one day in the future and he couldn't go one second without knowing.

Remus crushed a few peas as he got to his feet and he forgot about them as he tucked in Sirius's covers. He did the strangest things without Sirius's permission. Tucking in his sheets was one of them. He didn't know whether he did it out of protection sourced by blind love or he liked seeing Sirius tearing it out and the routine of that happening every night. Just as he would do that Sirius would also come in at some period of the day and mess his up and rub himself all over it.

That was why Remus was waiting. It was about time he saw how Sirius conducted himself when he'd enter knowing fully well what he was there to do. Remus knew that Sirius liked to see Remus despair and fix it in record time. Remus couldn't understand it but Sirius found it sexy and sometimes Remus would turn his flustering up a few notches to make the show a little different each time but the annoyance was always there and the love that after every gruelling day that Remus had his life would be turned upside down again by his bed pushing him to the edge of his sanity.

Remus felt green flies in his hair. They were incarnations, Remus knew adeptly. He'd had experience with green flies in his life and they felt a little too irritant on the scalp. They flew into it and slid down his hair in loops that only Sirius could prepare. And he would do something - he didn't know what - to get Sirius back for it. At least Remus felt very rural. Maybe that was the point. Maybe there was even a pea in his bed under the mattress that test if he was 'the princess' of old folk tales. Not that Sirius would know about that one, or any others for that matter but there was probably a variant. Remus liked entertaining possibilities when Sirius wasn't there because as much as Remus would think he knew what Sirius devised he was always proven wrong. He half expected Sirius to walk in wearing a crown of thorns.

Remus always had strange dreams of the biblical sense and the symbolism surrounding it with Sirius as a model for Jesus and much of the time, being Sirius, he was prosecuted in these dreams. Sirius was personification of sacrifice and thinking of him tied to a cross was something that was realistic but profoundly unsettling. Remus had always been a sceptic and someone who stayed well away from religion but Jesus had always seemed like a man that got caught up in things and happened to be a very good man. Like Sirius who could be a Judas if he wanted to. Maybe Sirius would come in wearing a bush. Remus hoped for leaves worn around the waist to cover some things. It was the least Sirius could do. But if Sirius went that far he'd have to go the whole way. Sirius could never understand leaving it up to the imagination. Green could be very misleading.

Remus took a grape from the bunch that was resting on Sirius's pillow. Remus had given up on hygiene a long time ago. He had been trained by Sirius and James and the things that Remus had been given to eat, tricked to where it had been found that he might as well do it himself. James came in with a bowl of peas his glasses disjointed and and stuffing his cheeks. Clearly James liked peas. Had Sirius given them to him? Remus knew without asking and James gave him a 'give me five minutes' look mid-stuff. J

ames began to lie down and choked in the process. When James had gotten himself together Sirius had chosen to come in. Sirius, wearing a green drape flicked around his shoulders went straight to Remus's bed and chucked Remus's pillows onto his where Remus would have to get them and rudimentary humping the duvet. Remus couldn't quite believe what he was seeing. Remus looked to James and James confirmed with a nod that this what he did every time.

Sirius began picking at the sheets to make it creased and pulling everything out. This time, however, he sprinkled some herbs he'd obviously charmed Hagrid into giving him. Sirius obviously decided that wasn't efficient enough so began quickly gathering it all up again and releasing a green ribbon from his pocket and trying miserably to tie it up. Remus walked to his bed being vandalised and he stood behind Sirius as he obliviously rubbed some green ink. Remus couldn't stop him in time and Sirius yelped that Remus had been so close. James put his face in his hands. Sirius lightened up when he saw it was Remus and patted Remus heartily on the shoulder and got out of the corner Remus had closed.

"Like the redecorating?"

Remus didn't know to answer to adequately know how to handle this kind of question. Had Sirius been out in the sun too long. "Wha-why I mean" Remus worked himself up in a fluster quickly. "What, Sirius?"

"What can I say? I was inspired by the slitherypoos. I took one look at that greasy hair and the top class. They give green a bad name. Green didn't chose those prats."

Remus wasn't sure that Sirius had given the full explanation. The herb on the bed and such things were not explained.

"Oh, that!" Sirius laughed. "Fertility, eh, Prongs?"

James finished his peas spilling a few so they rolled under Sirius's bed along with the rest of them making a pea population. "I don't want to know."

Sirius looked incredulous. "James! One does not simply pick to his hearts content and enter his abode and not talk about it. Did you know that your thumbs can turn green?"

Remus had heard enough. He began to fix his bedding. Sirius wouldn't let him and he pulled him close to him. "Moony embrace green into your life."

"If green came to my door I wouldn't turn it away but I have other colours over for tea."

"That is the most gay thing I have ever heard you say."

"Says the man who's brewing some green tea when we both know you'll spit it out and most likely at me, preferably at James but take anything you can get."

Sirius waved it off. "None of you believe that I am a changed man. I see green in a different light. A nice little house elf downstairs told me about some green apples, tucked apples in my shirt."

"Oh Sirius." Remus shook his head. Sirius had promised him that he would stop using any means necessary for his own gain specifically magical creatures that didn't know any better than his allure.

"Were you really that bored?"

"It was a revelation. The green goddess of useful stuff came to me with James's eyebrows and told me everything she knows."

"This revelation was researched. Both of my grandparents gardened. Don't think I wouldn't know."

"Prongs what is Moony going on about? —

"Alright so I picked some cabbage so all of your penises get a chance at growing to the size of mine. To spring free, to come forth from the earth. Prongs needs it the most. That's all it was. I am a sympathetic citizen doing my bit. I heard parsley does the trick."

"If you want to cook us, maybe." Remus retorted. "Now tell me what this is really about."

James stood up and slapped Remus on the back. "Change happens to the best of us. When green knocks we must open the door."

"You're in on this."

"No I'm not, my man." James replied. "Uh, Sirius's man." he scratched his neck. "Are there green flies in here?"

Remus was beside himself.

"Can we have some order in here. Please." Remus started. "Sirius I am trying to understand if you're cracked like an egg or this is some prank so I can relax about your mental health."

"Moony you can't accept that some things I do, I do for you."

Remus threw his hands up in defeat but continued. "I admit that I find this a little delectable if you were genuine but I know you and I'd like to get into your bed tonight and not find a forest waiting for me."

"How can you say no to these green pair of knickers?" Sirius was wearing knickers. He was wearing knickers.

Remus was blank. "Where on earth did you find those?"

"They suit me and I expect you to find me as attractive as ever or you will be committing felony."

"I don't understand." Remus walked to the door to leave. "I'm going to leave and wait for this all to blow over and you get bored and you will have to find me with photographic proof or something of that nature."

Sirius approached Remus and stood so their crotches met. Remus's eyes bored into Sirius waiting for it to stop but Sirius pushed him against one of the bed posts.

"Oh for the love of god. Sirius, please. I don't know what's going on."

Sirius's crotch and his firm eyes suspended Remus's heart and weakened it. "Maybe I like confusing me."

"I can't believe you have an erection. Dear god, who am I dating?"

"Shhh Moony you'll scare the caterpillar away."

"The what…"

"Don't worry, don't worry." Sirius stroked under Remus's hair and ran his fingers through it to the tips.

Remus sighed, tilting his hair to the wood. "So you're doing this to confuse me. Why, might I get that much out of you?"

"You'll get a lot coming out of me…"

"Answer the question."

"You get all riled up. Lots of Moony tension equals lots of Moony seduction."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Did you have to be so strange to get it? Did it need to be this elaborate? You collected all of these things for a chance at my pants. I hope you know how ridiculous you are."

Sirius nodded and nibbled at Remus's neck. He tilted it.

Remus felt like his words were warbling like tumbling weeds from his mouth. "What about me says: will react intimately when faced with a dormitory filled with things that look they belong to a garden centre? What are most of these things even for?"

Sirius went for Remus's trousers. "I hope that this is a guarantee you'll take it all back outside." Remus had a feeling every plant in the room was not poisonous for Padfoot's benefit to clean up.

"That's what a window is for, Moony, relax."

"That's exactly what you'll make sure I never do. No I didn't think so. Well then. I'll make it worth our while."


End file.
